Being a cool adult

I have always thought that people who sit in cafes and write stuff are cool, like they are functional grown ups who don't need anyone's company to feel loved and confident. but I felt like that this giant hole inside of me wouldn't let me be that cool. No matter how hard I tried, I wouldn't be able to be alone with myself. and here I am sitting in a not so cool cafe, smoking cigarettes and writing this post. I am, I really am trying to fill the hole with self love. But man this is hard, specially with a constant reminder (being my mother) who's forcing me to hate myself. what happens is that I feel sorry for myself. and only assholes do that. But it's okay. Someday I will find a better place to stay, and I won't have to feel this way again. right?
what i'm trying to do is helping myself feel better by doing adult cool stuff. cause in 8 months or so, I'm gonna be all alone and what if my family is not the only reason that I'm miserable? that thought shakes me to my roots. I kinda know how I can be happier. First I should clean up my room, then I should start learning stuff so I can find a job in 2 months. seems easy on paper!

این چیزیه که تصمیم کرفتمبه خودم بگم. حس بد داشتن اوکیه. میدونم که نمیتونم چیزیو درست کنم . خیلی احمقانه س که ار الان نگران اینده باشم. اگر نگرانیت کمکت نمیکنه که پیشرفت کنی نباید نگران باشی. برو ورزش کن. اتاقتو تمیز کن و صب زود بیدار شو که بیشتر به کارات برسی. هدفای بزرگ با تبدیل شدن به چیزای عملی کوچیک انجام شدنی میشن.